


Fragmented Memories

by TwistedWizards



Category: Wizards of Waverly Place
Genre: Angst, Drinking, Drugs, Eventual Sex, F/M, Forbidden Romance, Incest, Justin Russo x Alex Russo, Masturbation, Movie Night, Sibling Incest, Smoking, stolen looks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:49:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25251904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwistedWizards/pseuds/TwistedWizards
Summary: Alex tries to suppress her feelings for Justin. In order to cope with these feelings, she’s found solace at the bottom of a bottle. But as it turns out, she isn’t the only one hiding something.When their secret is exposed Justin and Alex panic while their parents aren't accepting. The thoughts and ideas of what went on and for how long starts to break the family apart. Love and angst.
Relationships: Alex Russo/Justin Russo
Comments: 9
Kudos: 24





	1. Time To Go

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome! Angst filled Jalex coming our way. Stay, comment, and maybe follow. 
> 
> This is a story I started back in 2012 and decided to move it over to AO3. Constructive criticism is welcome!
> 
> Warnings: Incest, drugs, drinking, masturbation, eventual sex, angst and more.

**_Fragmented Memories_ **

**_Written by: Twisted Wizards_ **

Sitting beside the window, watching the downpour flooding the street, I could not help but feel the sense of abandonment. I mean sure, I heard about it or watched it on TV, but never actually had I understood what that term truly meant. It was not just the heart breaking, nor was it was the endless nights in tears. For me, it meant that I was alone, and I have to say, it really _sucks_.

Now that everyone had given up on me one by one, there was no real reason to stay in New York, at least not while I was unwanted for what I did. Punishment shall fit the crime they say, but was having loved someone equal to this exile, this painfully sad ending to a depressing romance novel. I exhaled harshly, turning my head to the board of trains as I swallowed the sudden urge to break down in tears, yet again.

In front of me had stood a man looking around, his short black hair made my throat tighten in anticipation. _'Did he come to stop me, coming to claim me as his, really here to proclaim his forbidden and sinful love for me?'_

When this man turned around I had realized my foolish mistake and cleared my throat, my eyes beginning to sting. The stranger walked away, leaving me alone with my festering hopeless thoughts of a perfect end to my fairy tale. I had to face my reality, which even though magic existed does not mean there is magic in love. That was ridiculous; someone who was in love came up with, saying that their significant other provided passion that felt like magic, when I know magic felt tingly and not fiery. Completely different, only a sad co-dependent _moron_ would believe in that crap which was only subjective really.

_'You're only insulting yourself when you say that you know…'_ there I go again, talking to myself. At least I had the decency to talk inside my head instead of going full out mental from the loneliness.

"Train 204, to Boston is now boarding." I sighed reaching for my two bags that lie beside my bench and made my way towards my one-way ticket to deportation, well from my old life as a wizard that was.

Stopping one last time to look back for him, just seeing if he did not really mean it, or anything he had said in that heated spur of the moment. I watched all the faceless people pass me by as the tears started again, straining to see him, even if it was to say a final goodbye. He was not going to come get me; he does not love me the same way, like he had said.

_"ALEX don't you get it? We will never be together, because you're my little SISTER."_

I handed the women my ticket wiping away that tears that stained my cheek with pain and whimpered. Those words echoed soundly in my ears as if he was sitting next to me on the train, spitting them at me until the sunk in deep enough to cut. What he does not know, is that they had already cut me deeper than anything ever had before.

When I walked into my personal bunker, I sat down resting my head against the cold glass window, just letting the tears go. Letting go of my love for anything, and everything, even if I tried I could not hate him for saying those things. I loved him more than anything and if I could not prove that to him today, maybe sometime in the future.

The past three years had been drowning with difficulties, where love had its high and running away was top priority. Where he once said I love you too and where my mom walked out on us because of what happened. I guess I see it now, my love destroyed our family, and maybe exile was a fit punishment after all. Maybe, just maybe loving someone too much can blind you from the truth of what is happening. Maybe I opened my eyes just a little too late.

How this all happened, was one simple dream, where I was sitting next to him, and we kissed. Where I realized I was in love with him, and chaos ensued. When I fell in love with him my world flipped upside down, now all I can think of is Justin Russo, the man I love and the man that I made love to countless times. The same one related to me, the Justin Russo that was, is, and always will be, my _brother._

The question is how do you carry on, when the person you love the most, hates you?


	2. A Needle Stuck Between Two Groves

**Three years ago**

I know that there is a difference between what is right and what feels right. The question is do I really care if my happiness is a simple step away in a bad direction. To answer that question, it's constantly changing for me. It’s as if my options were a needle stuck between two groves on a record. Repeatedly playing the same redundant section until I step right or left.

Everyone in my life always assumes that because I am Alex Russo, I will always go left away from standard protocol as if I don't care about consequences. 

Which is debatable really, I just choose the route that feels right. 

Unfortunately though, that means I do end up taking a lot of left turns. Which in the long run paints me in somewhat of a bad light on how some people view me. Though do I really care about their opinions? Not really.

Believe it or not, I do hate to disappoint the people I love. Though I don't want anyone to know that, especially my family. Maybe in some weird way it's what I tell myself at night to sleep better.

_Who am I kidding, I sleep just fine without another thought about how my actions may have been an inconvenience._

That thought made me giggle slightly under my breath hand's in my jacket pockets as I approached Dean. He was currently pulling a cigarette from his mildly chapped lips.

"S'funny Russo?" He puffed a cloud of hot burning smoke in my direction then proceeded to run a hand though his slicked back greasy hair.

"Nothing, just thinking." I sighed then crossed my arms as his posse showed up around the corner of the building. Shivering from the cold I huffed; the school looked so empty during the night.

"Want one?" Dean handed me a cigarette and he slid it between my two pouted lips. He lit it and the nicotine instantly helped relax me.

"So, are we doing this or what?" I breathed out and raised my eyebrow. I did this to challenge Dean so that he would do something, but he just smirked. 

I breathed the smoldering drug toxins out my nose slowly. Pulling the cigarette from my lips and I let it sit between my fingers. Dean then started to take a step closer as he dropped his used bud. Grinding it beneath his the heel of his shoe, he reached out to pull me up against him. 

Holding my posture, I peaked up at his dangerous eyes under my black bangs. I responded to his abrasive roughness by putting my bud back between my lips once more. Inhale, hold, and exhale.

"Someone's a little eager." He breathed and I pushed him away making everyone laugh; he shook his head and nodded. "Yeah, I’m ready. Are you, Russo?" 

I smirked, and placed my hands upon my hips after I tossed the half-used bud onto the ground.

"What does it look like?" I asked and he just chuckled.

"Looks like you're trying too hard." He nudged to his boys and they all laughed again.

"Fuck off Dean, let's go inside already." I bit and headed to the back gym door before them. Making sure no one was around I pulled out my wand. After whispering the spell, I opened the door and shoved my wand back in my boot.

"Eh, Russo. You never showed us you had they key." I smiled as they walked up to the already open door.

"Perks of living, with the school dork-o." I bit upon my bottom lip trying to hide my smile. "The only I might add..."

The school was dark and the only sound we could hear was of our own steps or hushed whispers. We went into the locker room and sat down upon benches or the ground.

I found myself kneeling between Dean's legs upon the ground wrapping my arms around his neck. I smiled softly. He had a cute boyish smile I liked, which he returned before guiding me into his lap. 

His smile shifted into a smirk before he leaned forward into my space. I could feel his lips my neck and then trailing clumsily to the dip of my right collarbone. The feeling was nice, making me moan lightly as I closed my eyes forgetting where we were. The heat in my cheeks burned as soon as I heard hoots and whistles. I attempted to pull away slightly embarrassed by the audience, but Dean moved us so that I was laying upon the cold tile ground.

"Relax Russo…" he mumbled against my skin, and I shifted uncomfortably. He seemed to get the picture and rolled over. "You know you always get like this, it's just sex sweetheart, get over it." 

Then he got up and pulled out another cigarette. I got up and followed him out of the locker room.

"Fine, sorry for my boys. They can be real pigs sometimes." I just nodded as he burned though another bud.

"It's fine." I said as I leaned against the wall.

Watching him place his cigarette between his fingers, he walked over towards me. with a quirk of his brow, he tossed his other used bud onto the ground once more.

There was something about him that seemed rather daring. I stepped towards him and he quickly leaned forward, placing his lips against mine. They held an over all wet feeling, nothing like the movies portrayed that is. No stars, no magic, and no fire. His hand went from my hip up to my breast, which he proceeded to knead roughly. I winced lightly, attempting to pull away.

"Dean…" I whispered. He ignored me and made his way under my shirt against my skin. "Dean, stop, please." 

I tried to push him away and his other hand went under my skirt, his calloused fingers playing with the band of my panties.

"When a girl says stop," Dean pulled back and chuckled. "usually means, you need to stop." I looked at him over Dean's shoulder and groaned. What was _he_ , doing here?

"Ah, older Russo, isn't it like past your bedtime or something?" Dean laughed.

Dean then turned to look at Justin, and that's when a fist went flying. I gasped as Dean doubled over laughing holding his face. "You sure have a mean left hook Russo." 

I stood between them.

"Oh enough." I snapped and grabbed Justin by the arm pulling him out the propped open back door. 

"Shit, what was that Justin? Punching my boyfriend?" I hissed and he rolled his eyes at me.

I crossed my arms while glaring, but he didn't care. Justin reached out grabbing me by my wrist before attempting to pull me away. I yanked my wrist free whit a huff. The irritation bubbled inside me.

How dare he, come here, punch my boyfriend, and then pulled me away as if I was going with him willingly.

"The hell Justin." I rubbed my pained wrist and he rolled his just eyes again. "Did you follow me, come here to make a scene?"

"What are you doing Alex?" He stood there. I could see that his eyes were dark and angry. "With _him_ and his _gang_."

"I can do whatever I _want_ with who I choose. So piss off and go home." I snapped.

Not sure why I assumed he would accept the answer. I started to walk back when he abruptly yanked me back up against his hard chest. With the air knocked out of me, I knew I expelled said air right in his face. Instantly I could see his eyes soften for a second, almost as if he felt bad for yanking so hard. 

I scrunched my nose and stared into his eyes, which were even fierier than before.

"Were you, _smoking_?" He snarled and gripped my upper arm. I rolled my eyes, and attempted to pull away. "Answer me or I tell mom and dad everything I have been covering for you for the past year or so."

"Why do you even care?" I pouted looking away; I couldn't bare the disappointment I heard in his voice.

"Why- why do I care?" He repeated and I felt his hand pull me too look at him. "Alex, I care for you. You’re my sister and it is my responsibility to make sure you're safe at all times. Though right now, not going to lie, I don't like what I see.”

I swallowed the sudden thick feeling I get every time Justin yells at me. I looked down feeling uneasy.

”Now I'm not going to ask again." Justin continued to talk.

"I was, get over it. I don't need you to look over me as if I'm some little kid anymore Justin." I huffed, knowing he would be disappointed.

”Then stop acting like one Alex.” He growled right back at me, looking down at me. I pulled away as I heard foot steps behind me.

"Are you coming back Russo? Or is Papa Russo against a little fun." I looked away from Justin and started for the door slowly, ignoring his hard features.

"No, she's not." Justin said for me. 

Suddenly I felt his strong hands gripping me by the waist before pulling me back towards him. He proceeded to pick me up and toss me onto his shoulder. I tried to kick but couldn’t as he held both legs mid thigh. I resorted to pounding upon his back.

"She's going home, and I suggest you do the same." Justin snapped and I gasped at the sudden motions.

"Put me down, right, now, or so help me…" I screamed and he just started down the street.

"You'll what, tell mom?" He scoffed and I slouched, dead weight. He paused and sighed."Your ass is a real pain." 

Then started for home as I heard a car door slam shut, then a siren in the distance. _He didn't_ **.**

"Did you call-"

"Nope, but the school has a silent alarm. Told them to get out." I panicked.

"You're a fucking Dick!" I shouted and managed to get my leg free enough to kick him square in the chest. Grabbing my leg again he stopped waking and hissing under his breath.

"Language..." which was the only word he said the rest of the walk home. 

Once we were at the front door, he set me down. I then turned to him, and slapped him on the cheek.

" _That's_ , for hitting my boyfriend." I hissed and then punched him in the arm. " _That's_ for picking me up."

I paused about to hit him again but he grabbed my wrists and pinned them above my head, shoving me into the wall almost roughly. I felt my insides churn and flutter.

 _The hell?_ I thought as his hot breath bathed my face. I could smell the scent of spearmint toothpaste and Deodorant. By that, I knew he had recently showered from the intoxicating scents that drowned my sense of smell.

 _"Don't. Hit me. Again."_ He seethed hotly, his face was level with mine, and I couldn't move let alone breathe.

 _That look of anger was, dare I say sexy…_ My cheeks filled with heat and I couldn't believe I had thought that. _He is your brother! You sick pervert…_

He hadn't moved yet, his steely gray eyes burned my now melted chocolate ones. I was in shock by his sudden outburst. 

"We are going to keep this secret to ourselves. No one else needs to know. Only _if_ , you promise not to do something like this again. _Especially_ smoking. No more. Got it?" I just nodded, speechless. He backed away and went inside as I followed numbly.

"Why are you keeping things I do a secret from mom and dad?" I wondered aloud and he turned to shut the door behind me. "If it were Max he would be off at boot camp by now?" I looked at him and he just shook his head.

"Go to bed Alex." Before I could object, he was already up the stairs, probably in his room by now.


	3. Left Turn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: Mentions of Drinking, Smoking, and Incest

**_Last Month_ **

When Dean was suspended from school on the count of smoking on school grounds and breaking and entering, he didn't look twice at me. Also, I learned that they all had been ticketed by the police for the same reasons. Which was my fault, because I had said I had a key to the school. Which I did not have at the time, nor was I there to defend Dean. This all led back to Justin in some way. The key, Dean breaking up with me, and finally Justin not not telling us why we should have left sooner.

To tell you the truth the more I had thought about it, the more angry I became, and surprisingly not at Justin. I was more mad at myself then him, which shocked me too. Not that Justin knew I wasn't really mad at him. That's what I made him think, acting as harsh as I could towards him. Picking on him more than I normally would have.

What I really was mad at, was the fact he was always there to fix my mistakes, as if he knew I was going to mess up. That pissed me off to no end. Therefore, I made messes on purpose so he had more work. I know I was acting childish and petty, but I was rebelling as much as possible in order to spite him. When Dean had left, I had filled the void with parties and drinking. Justin was the one who had shoved Dean just out of my reach, so I felt no guilt in punishing him.

Doing all of this, was the only thing that would take the hurt away. Dean wasn't much, but he was what I had and after Justin gotten involved just once, he was gone as fast as he could get away.

During these past few moths, Justin had to save me countless times, from waking up in places I didn't recognize to coming home drunk at three in the morning. How many times he was there to wipe away my caked on makeup and dress me into my pajamas putting me into my bed, or to clean the vomit off of me before anyone noticed.

Sure, he would be furious with me at first but sometimes he would seem hurt that I would put myself through this repeatedly. I would shrug and he would clean me up for another day. I would poke at him for his reasoning behind helping me instead of just telling out parents, he would just say that I was his little sister.

Sure he cared for me, but we both new deep down, it was something more than that. Something deep and dark. And yet we pushed aside those thoughts.

This last month had been chalked full of those kinds of nights, but in the morning of each day he had noticed I stopped smoking. Just as he had asked.

* * *

_**Two Years Ago** _

I felt my throat ache from thirst, my head pounding with pain, while a metallic tangy substance sat in my mouth. Running my thick dry tongue along a rip in my cheek, I slowly opened my eyes to a bright ray of sun bathing my face.

My eyes snapped shut trying to block out the painful light that emitted from the open window. The dulled pain in my cheek told me that I had accidentally bit myself. Which I slightly remember from my drunken educed haze. I was confused for a second as I reached out feeling my way around. I felt an itchy rug underneath me I noted that I was upon the floor. Something nudged at me causing me to flinch away.

"Hey-" an unfamiliar voice called aloud causing me to moan lightly.

"... Shhhh..." was all I could bring myself to say. A shadow blocked the light from my vision and I opened my eyes slowly.

"Hun, it's time to go home." A woman covered in glitter with caked on makeup stood above me. "Clubs closed."

Nodding I attempted to sit up and swayed. She bent over to help me to my feet with a sigh. "Okay, are you well enough to make it on your own?"

"I'll be... fine." I whispered noting I needed something to get rid of this awful taste in my mouth. Blood mixed with vodka. Normally there would be cigarettes involved, but a nagging source made me feel guilty. So yeah, I quit.

Stumbling out the front doors, I reached for my phone inside my shirt. Almost six in the morning, shit. I hit speed dial one and prayed he would answer. Making my way down the dirty ally, I leaned up against the cool brick wall.

"Alex... thank god you're okay." He exhaled uneasy. "Where are you?"

"Duhh'- I have... nooo clue." I closed my eyes and felt like puking. "Just woke up in some club..." he sighed.

"What club Alex?" He bit out and I inhaled deeply trying to stop the bile from rising.

"I- uh, Maxed..." I mumbled then hung up, leaning over to throw up as tears bubbled in my blood shot eyes. I slid down the wall and onto the ground while my chapped lips trembled. I was alone, yet again. The parties, the drinking, and what had they mounted to anyways? Nothing good, I knew that much.

Left turn, after left turn, and I here I was sitting in a dirty ally in New York. I was a hot mess of tears and makeup running down my face. Oh, don’t forget vomit on my shirt.

"Wait right here, okay?" A voice called and I knew at the second that it was Justin. "Alex?"

I looked up to see his familiar silky black hair. When I saw that look of disappointment and pity, I could tell he was beyond upset while he looked down at me. I felt disgusting and messy. We didn't even have to say a word to each other to know what we were both thinking.

He sighed and bent down to pick me up. Tucking my face into his neck, I sniffled and closed my eyes. This, this was the reasons I truly had done all this crap. Waiting to see the one person who would notice I was in pain, even when I smiled at dinner or in class, even while talking to Harper. Out of everyone, only one person knew me well enough to know when _'I'm fine'_ really meant, _'Help me…'_

* * *

**Later...**

Shifting lightly into the soft comfort of a blanket, I inhaled the familiar scents, recognizing them as my own. Opening my eyes to my own dimly lit room. I noted I was in clean clothing and my hair still slightly damp. Then I recalled the events from this morning. Justin helping clean of the vomit and makeup. Followed by the thick silence we fell into as we hid the evidence from my night's events. 

Looking next to me I saw a note upon my pillow as I sighed aloud. I grabbed it and tossed back my comforters. Looking at my window and the amount of sun, it looked like late afternoon.

_'Alex, told mom you were up throwing up last night, that maybe you caught the flu. We need to talk. - J'_

When Justin told me we needed to talk, it was always serious and all sorts of depressing. I actively tried to avoid, _'talks'_ with him all together. Once I was downstairs I saw him sitting at the island typing away on that laptop of his. It always made me smile to see his brow frowning in concentration.

"You wanted to talk, _dork_." I watched him spin to see me and gave him a smirk.

"Oh, you're awake." he closed his laptop and looked around the room. "Yeah, I do, and you know what it is about."

I sighed and made my way to the fridge. I pulled it open with a rattling clank, while I could feel his eye roll.

"Shoot Dork-o, I'm all ears. Ready to hear the serious announcement of all my wrong doings in life." I reached for left over pizza in a box. He snorted and stood up.

"No, it's not about _all_ your wrong doings. _Per_ _se_." he then sighed. "I know I have said this before, but I really would wish you would attempt to make better-"

"If that ends in ' _choices with your life'_ , don't even finish that statement." I snapped at him and took a bite of the cold slice of cheese pizza. "I've heard this all before."

I swallowed and then sat down at the island where he once sat.

"Alex-"he inhaled deeply and I could tell this was now affecting him too. "Please-"he just whispered it, voice almost breaking and I stopped eating.

 _Thanks_ , _appetite_ _ruined_.

"Think about the consequences if you drank too much one night, or- or you mixed drugs. I just- please." I nodded not able to say anything in reply to his pleads. "Don't go out tonight, I know I say this like every night, but let's just stay here and watch movies or like play video games."

 _I didn't want to go out tonight anyways,_ I thought to myself and sighed.

The expression on his face was difficult to stomach. 

_Liar… you know you want to stay home because of him._

"Why not, I haven't had a good night sleeps in like a long ass time." I gave a nervous chuckle and he just smiled at me. It was the smile that always melted me from the inside out. I felt guilty as hell as he nodded, relief washing his softening features. What was one night in?


	4. Life Choices

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning: Incest themes, Mentions of drugs and drinking, mild depictions of Masturbation

_**The Same Night** _

My life choices have always been rather questionable at times, no doubt. But when it came to it, I usually did whatever I did because I thought it would help someone or a situation. Sometimes it may have helped me, which I am ' _someone_ ', so it counts.

At first, I knew the reason why I went out to clubs, but at some point over time the reason changed. It started out to fill a void inside me and turned into this need to end each night with Justin. He would always tell me what not to do and yell when I messed up. Occasionally asking when I was going to grow up.

Which let me tell you, hearing that all the time isn't fun. However, each time he scolded me I would play dumb.

_How was I supposed to know that spell would backfire?_

_I didn't plan to be out all night._

_God, Justin. It's not like I messed up on purpose._

All of this so that I could be carried, hugged, and sometimes even to just feel a ghost of him near me while I sat in the fog. Those moments, made it all worth it while I hid and buried my thoughts.

Though I would also take the opportunity to make fun of el dork-o. Which would lighten the mood, sometimes.

My one goal right now though, was to avoid and basically bury this churning warmth I currently felt. It was difficult to stomach let alone while eating family dinner.

 _It is just a night in,_ I told myself.

"Not to brag, but you're all looking at the new co-captain of the wrestling team." I looked across the table at Max with a raise of my left brow.

"Max," mom paused with a gasp, "That is amazing!"

"See! What'd I tell ya?" I looked towards our dad nodding. "Hard work pays off."

In moments like this, it really was hard not to roll my eyes. That was when I looked beside me to my left where Justin was sitting. Call me crazy, but our chairs seemed super close. When I looked at the space between the two of us, I swallowed trying to think of a way to move without drawing so much attention.

My eyes scanned the space again before looking up only to unexpectedly look into steely eyes. His eyes.

 _Why is he looking at me like that_? I wondered. _There's that damn feeling again. Ugh. Go away._

Exhaling shakily, I tore my eyes away and reached up to brush my hair behind my right ear. I needed some type of a distraction.

"You know Max," I started to talk while leaning forward, but paused when I felt a brush of skin against the back of my arm by my elbow. Churning.

He proceeded to grab a roll from the bowl in front of me and I refused to look at him.

"Uh- If anyone on the team gives you a hard time as captain. You can always turn them into a little fish. I hear it's amusing." I laughed at the thought and watched Max nodding in approval. Brushing off my pause as if I planned it.

"No," I looked at Dad shaking his head, "Max do not listen to your sister. You may not turn anyone into a fish. Alex, I don't want to know. But no."

I gave a small smile and shrugged. "Never said I did it. Just that it would be amusing."

"Yeah Max," I stilled when I heard Justin add, "I would listen to Dad. We all know what happens when we don't."

I tore off a small bit of roll and nibbled on it as the churning returned. Staying home was a bad idea, but maybe -

I stopped the thought, you can't.

Clearing my throat, I asked to be excused saying I was full even though there was still food on my plate. After waking up this morning in that club, I knew I needed to make a change. Avoiding this wasn't an option anymore, but what was the alternative?

* * *

**_Later..._ **

I couldn't even focus on whatever movie that was on. Dad started snoring during the first fifteen minutes so mom got him to bed. Max left to spend the night at his co-captain friends house, leaving me and Justin alone on opposite ends of the couch.

I looked at the time on my phone before turning my attention back to the tv, sighing. Turning my head to see Justin give me a look.

"Can we put something else on?" I wondered.

"Sure. Any suggestions?" He stood up and grabbed the tv remote. I couldn't help but watch him close as the light from the tv reflected upon his face. Looking him over I noted his low hanging black sweats and t-shirt. Which was something dorky, I think it was the space wars movies with the light swords.

"Let's try tv, maybe something interesting is on." I took the chance to move towards him as he sat down.

Before he could start channel surfing, I reached across his lap and snatched the remote.

"Hey-"

"That would be mine." I flashed a grin as I paused still in his space. I could feel the heat of him against my right thigh and arm.

The feeling returned suddenly as I looked at him closely in his eyes. When he looked at me, for a second I thought I saw him look down then right back up to my eyes. If I hadn't been looking at his eyes the entire time, I would have missed it. The thought made my mouth dry and heart thud faster.

That was when he suddenly reached towards me and in order to move I had to throw myself backwards onto the couch. When I saw him reach for the remote I managed to shove it into my shirt hoping that would stop him. I then lifted my left leg onto the couch so that I could wiggle away, but stopped when he leaned forward in between my legs. Justin proceeded to place his left arm on the back of the couch and towered over me. With his right hand he grabbed my wrist and pinned it beside my head. I struggled against him causing my shirt to lift exposing my stomach.

The sudden realization made me freeze as he reached for the remote. The moment he grabbed it, he paused with his fingers resting in my rib cage by the underwire of my bra. _One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi._

Every inch of me tingled with that churning feeling and we looked at each other. I think realization hit him too as he let go of my wrist and made his way to the other side again.

"You can pick what we watch," he started to talk as I pulled my shirt down. "But I get to hold the remote."

I found myself glaring at him as the heat in my cheeks burned. He acted as if nothing had happened. Unfazed by the lingering touch. I curled my self up and remained on the other side of the couch.

"Fine." I said and looked towards the tv as he went down the list. "You could have just said that."

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him smiling. I pursed my lips and watched the titles of shows pass. Then I saw something familiar that I heard other cool kids talked about.

"Wait," I held up my hand and he stopped. "Yes, that one."

"Game of Thrones?" He read and immediately continued. "I've heard it is not appropriate."

"Appropriate, really Justin?" I huffed. "Please. I heard it's good from people at school and that it's got fantasy that you like."

"It also has nudity." He answered.

"So did that Sorority movie we were literally in." I shot back and moved onto my knees looking at him. "Please, Justin."

He looked back at me, our eyes locked and I made the pouty face he doesn't usually say no to.

Shaking his head, he huffed. "Fine."

I smiled, as the heat in my cheeks seemed to fade. Moving towards the middle of the couch and we started to watch. Each time there was a sexual scene I would turn to watch Justin freeze eyes glued to the screen. The first two scenes I smirked without a word watching his breathing change slightly before adjusting in his seat.

"Relax dork," I mumbled softly sticking my feet out to nudge him. The motion made him look at me at little, pausing before leaning backwards with an exhale. "It's sex. It may be the artist in me, but I think this is very well done."

Still looking at him, I rested my fingers near my mouth touching my bottom lip lightly. I swore I saw him look down again before looking away and cleared his throat. Turning back towards the show, we watched this boy climbing a tower slowly before catching two characters having sex. A brother and a sister.

That's when I stiffened swallowing a sudden tightness I felt.

 _No. I wouldn't have chosen if I knew_ , I started to think before looking at Justin. At the same time he looked at me. I bite on my lip softly as the room goes dark. I'm not sure what we missed, but I knew it was time to go.

The churning feeling settled in my stomach as we look at one another. I don't know how long it had been, but it was longer than I should have allowed.

"Well I think I'm gonna turn in for the night." I say breaking the eye contact and refuse to acknowledge what we both watched.

Though in all honesty, I was surprised that Justin hadn't reacted to the scene in some way or said anything about it. I stood up after Justin did as he turned off the tv.

"Same." Was all he said before we started up the stairs pst our parents room. The thickness in my throat still lingered as we turned and reached the end of the hall.

"Alex." I heard Justin whisper my name as I open my door and step inside. Turning around I watched him step closer to me into the entrance of my room. He was almost too close for comfort. "Thank you."

My brows scrunched in confusion and it was dark but he knew I wasn't sure why he said it. "For spending time with me."

"Like I said it's nice to have a night or two in." I whisper back.

Suddenly in the dark I watched him take a step closer. His right hand lifted to gently graze my hip as I lean against the wall inside my door. The dim faint light of the moon ghosted on his face as he paused while I looked up at him. My heart was racing as he leaned down and pressed his lips to my left cheek.

I closed my eyes as the burn of his lips on my cheek lingered. Churning.

This is crossing the line. The words thrummed in my head loudly and I exhaled loudly, knowing he heard. He paused, his own breath mirroring my own as it brushed against the skin on my neck. The air was thick and his fingers still rested against my hip.

"Night Alex." He broke the silence.

First his hand and then his warmth retreated. I opened my eyes to see him open and close his own door. I followed his motions as I shut my door. As I stumbled to my bed, my fingers rested upon the warmth of my cheek.

I don't think avoiding was an option anymore. Every little touch of his, was better than and drug or drink I've tried. Shaking my head, I reached under my shirt and unhooked my bra before tossing it on my desk chair.

Crawling into bed I thought about the show. Tonight I allowed myself to imagine.

I closed my eyes, as the image of Justin hovering above me appeared. Slowly bring my hand to my hip, as if it were his. Resting. I then drag my fingers up, tracing the side under my shirt stopping where his fingers touched. Lightly I went and ghosted my fingers across my nipple with a hum. My other hand dipped below my waist band. When my hand settled in the apex between my legs, I arched my back at the first stroke.

" _Justin_..." I breathed.

This was my biggest left turn that I've made and right now it feels like the only right choice I've made in a long time. I'm sure Hell has a seat with my name already.


	5. Blurring the Line

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warnings: Drinking, Drunkenness, Incestuous depictions, Heated thoughts / Actions

**_Two Weeks Later_ **

Crossing a line isn’t a new concept for me. I am well acquainted with making selfish decisions and acting without thinking twice. I know people forgive, but it doesn’t change the fact that it happened. I've experienced this the hard way too many times to count. Though, my choices are usually decisions made in the heat of the moment. But not all.

Currently, I keep trying to remind myself that my choices don't just affect me. Which no one ever tells you how difficult it is to navigate life or the right way to fix things when you mess up. 

_ How am I supposed to know what the right choice is? _

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply to focus my thoughts. My cheeks burned, feeling the night's chilly bite while I listened to the quiet world around me. The soft wet airy breaths of the misting rain against the pavement. It was late, probably past midnight.

I've been trying to not to think too much lately, but it has been harder than usual. Probably because I'd crossed a pretty well known and solid line. I kept telling myself that it was a mistake, but I knew this was one of those “ask forgiveness later” situations. The line officially blurred inside my head when the answer should have been black and white.

There have been moments where I’ve wondered why I allowed the thoughts in. Imagining his touch ghosting against my skin. Then I find myself back in reality, where I remember who we were and what I did. The realization makes me feel sick to my stomach.

What made it worse was the fact that I couldn't take it back. That thought alone made my thoughts race with conflicting emotions. Need intertwined with guilt.

_ It's because you're not normal… you can't take back those things you imagined.  _ At the thought, I rested my fingers against my lips in defeat.

It had been two weeks, and I could still feel his touch on my skin. After replaying those memories in my mind, I knew there was more to them. They weren't just innocent brushes or lingering pauses. It was almost as if he'd been trying to tell me something that night.

I sighed loudly,  _ What am I even hoping he would say to me? Out of everyone I know, Justin knows what is black and what is white. _

Living in my head really was exhausting sometimes.

Opening my eyes through the haze, I set my now empty bottle down on the ground beside me. I really should remind myself to eat more. Drinking on a relatively empty stomach never ended well.

_ So much for spending nights in _ , I rolled my eyes.

Pulling out my phone, I used the sleeve of my jacket to wipe the little droplets from the screen. I noted it was past one in the morning as I scrolled through my contacts.

_ Harper? No, she's asleep. _

_ Max? I can put this on him. _

_ Dean? He hates me. _

Then I stopped at  _ his _ name, my thumb hovering while I sighed. We both knew that over the past two weeks I've been avoiding being alone with him. He just didn't know why.

_ Not like I was going to tell him, 'hey I had some dirty thoughts about you, and touched myself as if it were you'. _

"Probably won't even answer." I mumbled under my breath and hit the little phone icon.

Exhaling shakily, I brought the phone to my ear while listening to the ringing.  _ One ring. Two. Three- _

"Alex?" His voice was groggy, and I instantly knew he'd been asleep. The shuffling of his blanket made me exhale softly while closing my eyes. "Where are you?"

His voice was soft, and I felt the sting in my eyes and throat.

Why does he do that? Change his tone when it's just the two of us.

"Two streets down, near the old liquor store." I whispered while tucking my free arm into myself.

"Don't move." The shuffling stopped, and it was almost as if I could see him in my mind. Standing in his room holding his phone between his shoulder and ear while he slipped on shoes. "I'll be right there."

I don't know why I do this. Week after week, I find myself in the same situation and somehow I've convinced myself that Justin was the only answer.

"I miss you…" the words left my mouth before I could stop them. Holding my breath, I waited for a response. Anything that signaled I said those words out loud.

Realization hit after a moment, and I heard a sigh. "If you miss me, then why have you been avoiding me?"

My heart thudded at his question while I shook my head. Rolling my eyes, I huffed out loud knowing he couldn't see me.

"It's not like we don't see each other. We live in the same house, dork." Teasing always lessened his lectures. "We talked today in the lair while dad explained something that I'm sure you were paying more attention to."

He scoffed, and I could hear the rain on his end. "That doesn't count - wait… ah ha! I knew you weren't paying attention."

"You can't see me, Justin, but your reaction right there made me roll my eyes." I couldn't stop the small smile.

"Good. If you weren't mocking me at least a little, that’s when I'd feel worried." He laughed a little.

I looked up as a car passed by me slowly while I sat upon the curbside. Turning to my right, I saw him rounding the corner while he lowered his phone and ended the call. With my lips pursed, I slipped my phone into my jacket pocket as he approached. The flickering of the overhead street light reflected upon the surrounding puddles.

"Why are we here, Alex?" He broke the silence.

I looked at him as he stood a few feet away from me. Noting he was l wearing sweats and a t-shirt paired with his favorite hoodie. I watched him cross his arms and sigh.

"I couldn't sleep…" I mumbled.

Not a lie… Though it is only part of the truth.

"When you can't sleep, why not try a movie or sleep on the couch?" He shrugged and that statement just made me roll my eyes, which he saw. "Oh, I'm sorry. Was this alternative here somehow better?"

"Oh, get off your high horse Justin and stop acting like you're perfect." I snapped, using my hands to crawl to my knees.

"Mm, right… and this is the part where I say something like, 'when are you going to grow up'." I looked up at him with a sneer and attempted to pull myself to a stand.

Arguing under this drunken fog wasn't ideal.

"What do you want from me Justin?" I growled and took a step forward, stumbling a little. Suddenly, he was catching me before I tripped.

I reached up and gave him a weak push to try putting some distance between us. He then slipped his hand in the crook of my right elbow, keeping me still. I shivered under the sudden warmth now brushing against me.

"I want you to think before you act, Alex." The raise in his voice startled me and made me swallow the burning in my throat.

I searched his face, features frowned as met his tired eyes. I felt a brush of guilt when I noticed the dark circles and stubble. Inhaling softly, I refused to look away from his gaze.

Why does he look at me like - like that ?

"Not everyone needs to think so damn much, Justin. Sometimes it's okay to just feel." I bit back, leaning closer only to find he remained still as I invaded his space.

"But you're not feeling Alex." He hissed, looking me over, with his lips parted. "You're doing that thing you do when you bury things inside."

I glared at him, the world all but lost on me as I focused on him.

"You don't get to tell me how I should deal with my emotions!" I shouted, yanking my arm away from his grasp.

Justin pursed his lips and shook his head while waving his hand dismissively. "I'm not doing this with you while you're drunk. Let's go home."

"No." I argued, knowing I’m done tiptoeing around. "Go tell mom or dad, but I'm not going."

"Alex…" he spoke slowly, knowing full well he wasn't afraid to pick me up and carry me home.

"Wait, that's right. I forgot, you only tell them things when it benefits you." I knew I was going down a slippery slope, but couldn't bring myself to care. "Why is that, huh Justin?"

I took a few steps to my left, to stand closer to the brick wall of the dimly lit store. Looking at his face, I could see I was stepping on dangerous territory.

"What do you get by helping me?" I continued without giving him a chance to respond. "Is it some sick hero complex thing you get off on?"

"Jesus, Alex, you're so… infuriating!" Justin snapped and glared down at me before walking towards me.

When he reached for my arm, probably to drag me home, I pulled backward towards the wall. This apparently annoyed him as he continued to reach for me. Taking this as an opportunity, I shoved him into the wall beside us. I wasn't expecting him to grab my wrist and yank me full force towards him. Landing squarely into his chest, I felt the oxygen leave my lungs with a gasp. Looking up at him, I almost stopped breathing with how close we were. I could see a flicker in his eyes and the tension in his jaw as he grit his teeth.

Way to go, Alex. You just had to push…

"What is it you want from me, Alex?" He lowered his voice while I looked over his face and noticed the pink in his cheeks. I couldn't help but wonder if it had to do with the cold or if it was something else.

"I want you to tell me why you hide these moments. You say one thing, Justin, but you do another." I whispered softly while I recovered from his actions. "Do you enjoy keeping these moment's a secret?"

"You know damn well I could tell mom or dad." He ignored my question and raised a brow. I refused to look away, feeling the warmth of his face close to mine.

"Then why haven't you already?" I leaned closer, my heart was pounding and my skin burned under his grasp.

Suddenly his face leaned even closer, his eyes lowered their gaze as I licked my lips. My eyes felt heavy and my lips parted enough to see the white puff of air escaping from between us. I felt our noses touch while his slightly damp lips brushed against mine. The sick feeling pulled at my stomach and I felt his shaky exhale. I could see his eyes closing. If either of us moved forward and the space would be nonexistent.

"Is this why?" I whispered, my breath making him lick his lips.

Watching him open his eyes, he looked into mine. The longing in his features made it hard to breathe.

"We can't, Alex." he said and let go of his grip on my wrist. I saw him visibly swallow before straightening his posture and looking away. I took a step backwards and nodded.

"Well now, you know why I drink..." I cleared my throat, looking away from him. I felt the stinging in my eyes and walked away from his warmth.

"Alex..." his voice sounded almost broken or at the very least hurt. I stopped to look at him leaning against the wall. "Please… tell me I'm not the reason."

I felt that familiar brush of guilt resurfacing and closed my eyes momentarily.

"There you go, trying to make my problems your own…" I sighed, turning away from him.

Without waiting for him, I walked along the inside of the sidewalk. Using the building as a guide to steady myself if needed. I stopped at the corner and felt a different burning bubbling in the back of my throat. Reaching for the wall, I leaned forwards emptying the contents of my stomach which was mostly liquid. I gagged afterwards and felt something pull my hair back gently.

Gasping for a little air, I used the back of my hand to wipe my lips before I felt lazy fingers rubbing my back. If I hadn't just thrown up, I would have recoiled at his touch because I hated him seeing me like this. But I had no energy to fight him.

"I brought a hair tie." His voice was a comfort while I opened my eyes to see him holding it before me.

"Of course you did." I mumbled slowly, reaching to take it as our hands brushed.

Lazily, I pulled my hair into a messy bun before leaning my head against the wall. Opening my eyes, I looked towards him and saw his concerned expression. "No one is here. Do you think you could teleport us home?"

I watched him closely as he looked around us, before nodding in agreement. With a moment of hesitation he sighed, pulling me by the crook of my arm towards him. I looked up at him as he pulled his wand from his pocket. I watched the swirl of his wand. The warmth from his spell enveloping us before we magically ended up inside my room.

Sighing, I took a step towards my bed and sat down on the side where I normally slept. I could feel his touch guiding me, as if he was letting me know he was still there. Just when I was about to lie down, he cleared his throat.

"Hang on." He took a step back as I looked up in confusion to see him pouting his wand. "Transfix, Transpose, turn Alex's current state of dress into her favorite sleep clothes."

Suddenly the rush of warm magic enveloped me, and I shivered.

Harper's right. There was always a moment where you feel naked when doing that.

"Current state of dress?" I repeated aloud with the arch of my right brow. "Really, Justin?"

He shrugged, and I looked down, feeling uneasy when I realized what he was looking at. Of course, my favorite sleep clothes had to be one of Justin's t-shirts that reached mid thigh and a pair of comfortable cotton panties. Sighing aloud, I turned my attention back to him while he tucked the hand holding his wand against his chest. With his free hand motioned to me with furrowed brows.

"That's my Captain Jim Bob Sherwood t-shirt." He stated bluntly, a little confused, which made me roll my eyes.

"What can I say, it's comfy." I shrugged. " I guess I should thank you for your contribution to my comfort…"

I watched him roll his eyes before a smile crossed his lips. Shaking his head, he tucked his wand in his pocket before making his way towards me. I reached for a mint on my side table as he helped pull my blanket from the foot of my bed towards me.

"You don't have to-"

"-Shut up, Alex." He interrupted as I scooted down.

Unfortunately, the motion ended up pulling the shirt up and past my hips, leaving my lower half exposed. We both froze, and I felt my pulse racing under his gaze. The intensity of his stare made my stomach do flips. Taking the moment to see if his reaction would change, I bent my knees as if to adjust myself a little before stretching out one leg and letting the bent one fall sideways, parting my legs. I watched the sudden rise of his chest as he inhaled sharply.

I adjusted, tossing my legs off the bed. I could tell by the pinched expression I confused him as he dropped my blanket. It wasn't until I lifted my left brow did he realize my intention. Reaching up, I pushed him backward into the bed.

Swallowing the sudden nervousness I felt at the thought of him stopping me, I exhaled. I climbed onto the bed beside him, tossing my hair to the right. When he looked up into my eyes, I bit my bottom lip before I straddled his hips.

Instinctively, both his hands quickly slid up my bare thighs before grabbing me at the hips. I shivered under his touch, looking down at his startled expression as he closed his eyes. I took the moment to burn his features into my mind. The words he said earlier about how we can't, all but faded now.

Even in the dimly lit room, I could see pink tint in his cheeks. When he opened his eyes to look at me, I pursed my lips and adjusted my hips. I could feel him pressing between my legs. The feeling made the both of us gasp and his fingers dug into my hips. All I wanted was to feel his lips against mine.

The delicious warmth bubbled inside me. I've felt anticipation and arousal before, but this with him was different. Shakily, I repeated my actions with an intent and this time I peeled a groan from him. The heat rushing inside me as I bit my bottom lip to stop myself from whimpering.

That seemed to be his line as he abruptly rolled me to the left and onto my back.

I looked up at him, his hair a mess and his eyes dark.

"God, Alex. If you only knew-" he cut himself off with a huff, pulling away to lie next to me.

I lie on my back, trying to steady my breathing while watching him. He brought a hand to rub his face. By his action, I could tell he was trying to slow his own uneven breaths. With a sigh, he turned towards me. Reaching out, he brushed his fingers against my cheek while I looked into his eyes.

"I get it, Justin." I whispered in a hushed tone.

Every inch of me was warm as an electric buzz echoed inside my veins. I knew he worried about crossing the line. He was probably overthinking about the things we’d said and done.

Keeping my eyes locked with his, I leaned into his touch as he cupped my left cheek.

"You should get some sleep." He mumbled softly and just when he was about to leave I reached out grabbing his hand.

"Don't go." I tightened my hold on him and he nodded. Though I could see his hesitation in his eyes.

"Okay." He whispered.

He tossed his hoodie onto my desk chair, crawling up the bed towards the right side. I could tell he was hesitant as I curled up against his side under his arm. My cheek rested against his chest and I tossed a leg over his left one.

"Goodnight, Justin." I closed my eyes and felt him finally relax.

"Goodnight," he paused, and I felt him pull my hand up toward him. Then felt the unmistakable feeling of his lips pressing against my knuckles. The action alone made it hard to breathe. "Alex."

I let out a shaky breath as he held my hand in his. There was no taking back what either of us admitted. The lines we crossed. Officially blurred, and it wasn't just me this time. I'd assumed he shared a similar secret, but I never imagined he would admit to any potentially damning thoughts he may have had. His reactions this evening were very telling.

_ Maybe I wasn't alone... _

With that thought, I drifted into much needed sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comment! 🙂


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